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Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear;for I wear-a thousand masks; masks that I’m afraid to take off,and none of them are really me. Pretending is an art that’s second nature to me,but don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me,within as well as without. Confidence is my name and coolness is my game. I am in command. I need no one. But don’t believe me-please. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,my ever-changing and ever-concealing mask. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion,in fear,in aloneness. But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my fear and weakness being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,a casual,yet sophisticated facade- to help me pretend; to shield me.

Acceptance,followed by love is what I need. It is one thing that will assure me that I’m really worth something. But I can’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would humiliate me

My life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the polite tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing,and nothing of what’s everything to me. So when I’m going through my drama routines,do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,what I’d like to be able to say,but what I’m afraid to say.

I dislike this superficial game I’m playing-the shallow,false game. I’d really like to be genuine and natural and me. But that wall of fear stops me every time. My survival depends on breaking through that wall. It depends on me fighting my fear,removing my mask and showing myself to you. But I am scared. I’m afraid that deep down, I feel I’m empty,that I’m just not good enough,and that you’ll see me as I am and change your attitude towards me. I seriously want you to love me,to respect me and to admire me.

So, I play my game,my desperate,pretending game,acting confident and cheerful on the outside,but a trembling child child within,and so I continue the parade of my false self, my masks.

Am I not an Impostor that’s preoccupied with acceptance and approval? Because I feel a suffocating need to please others, I can’t say no with the same confidence with which I say yes. So, I often overstretch myself to please people,engage in projects and causes,motivated not by personal commitment but by the fear of not living up to other’s expectations.

As Paul asked in desperation, “How unhappy and pitiable and wretched I am! Who will release and deliver me from the shackles of this body of death?”(1Cor 7:24 Amplified) (more…)